Blessed Are They Who Can Laugh at Themselves, for They Shall Never Cease to Be Amused – Anonymous.
I Wish the Buck Stopped Here; I Could Use a Few – Another Anonymous.
They Can Send Me to College But They Can't Make Me Think – T.L. Wilson, of Tucson.
Genealogy: Living in the Past Lane – W.E. Campbell, of Arlington.
This Body Is a Temple; Chocolate Worshipped Daily – Lyell Rodieck.
Sex Is Like Air; It's Not Important Unless You Aren't Getting Any – William Lee.
The Problem With Opportunity Is That It Only Knocks, While Temptation Kicks In the Door – Julie Staples.
I Got to Vietnam Before McDonald's Did – Danielle Newman, of St. Louis, who saw it aboard someone in the Saigon airport.
My Dog Can Lick Anyone – Carol Church.
Mom and Dad Worked Hard So I Could Have a College Education; I'll Give Them Free Fries for Life – from a catalogue that lives at nowandzen.com.
Soooo, When's the Wizard Getting Back to You About That Brain? – Kathy Childs, of Alexandria.
Consciousness: That Annoying Time Between Naps – Anonymous.
I Haven't Lost My Mind; It's Backed Up on a Disk Somewhere – Also Anonymous.
Hey, You! Out of the Gene Pool! – Anonymous again.
If You Can Read This, Pull Me Back in the Boat – J. Mark Harl, of Germantown.
Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair – Donna Nash, of Alexandria.
Veni, Vidi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping – Jennifer Glatt, of Laguna Niguel, Calif.
Star Light, Star Bright, Where the H%$# Is Mister Right? – Lynne Finch, of Alexandria, who says it belongs to "a single woman, over 30, who is tired of living in Washington."
I'd Quit This Job But I Need the Sleep – Winton A.J. Carroll, of Falls Church.
The Secret: Find an Age You Like and Stick to It! – Bev Steinhagen, of Oak Hill, Va., who received that very slogan aboard a T-shirt for her 40th birthday.
I Have the Body of a God; Unfortunately, It's Buddha – Vera Rausch, of Rockville.
Cinderella Was Thrown Off the Basketball Team Because She Ran Away from the Ball – Kennette Glassford, of Fredericksburg, Va.
I Miss My Ex, But My Aim Is Improving – Dave Sherman.
I'm Your Father, Not an ATM – Ronald H. Deiter, of Arlington.
I Used Up All My Sick Days, So I'm Calling in Dead – "A government employee."
If I Follow You Home Will You Keep Me? – Bert Sugars, of Ocean City, N.J.
Smile: It Makes People Wonder What You're Up To – Sakina Yusuf Shikari.
Alcohol and Calculus Don't Mix; Never Drink and Derive – Geddis Tesserae.
(Over a picture of a dog) My Name Is 'No, No, Bad Dog!' What's Yours? – Rachel Friend, of Burke.
A Good Lawyer Knows the Law; a Great Lawyer Knows the Judge – J.J. Bonsignore, of Kensington.
Flashy But Trashy – Anonymous.
Chlorine: The Breakfast of Champions – Gay Takakoshi, of Arlington, who saw it on a shirt created by her niece's swimming team.
Four Years of College and Whom Did It Get Me? – Sunny Raport, of Rockville.
Should I Talk to the Man in Charge or the Woman Who Knows What's Going On? – Marge Killmon, of Annandale.
I Got This Shirt When I Turned 40; I HATE This Shirt – Hazel A. Garland, of Edgewater.
Ex-Wife for Sale; Just Take Over Payments – Hazel Garland again.
He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest – Mike Parrish, of Arlington.
Being Placed on a Pedestal Is a Right, Not a Privilege – Judith C. Koch, of Silver Spring.
The Older the Fiddle, the Sweeter the Tune – Santa A. Fama, of Bethesda.
Out of Estrogen and I've Got a Gun! – Sue Benson, of Greenbelt.
This Is the Only Shirt I Didn't Lose in Las Vegas – Ruth W. Goldberg, of Potomac.
I'd Rather Be in the Boat With a Drink on the Rocks Than in the Drink With the Boat on the Rocks – Barbara Burroughs, who saw it in "Annapolis, where else?"
Women Who Seek to Be Equal to Men Lack Ambition – P.J. Siegel, of Greenbelt.
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, So Please Shut Up – Roy Dickstein.
Dyslexics Have More Fnu – Susan Bohnenblust.
I'm Too Sexy for My Hair; That's Why It Isn't There – worn by a "folically challenged" fellow at the beach, and reported by Todd Goren.
Of Course I Don't Look Busy; I Did It Right the First Time – Cathy Smith Caviness.
Remember, You Either Find Time to Exercise or You'll Have to Find Time to Be Sick – Sydney Ann Barr, of Dunkirk.
Unproductive People Revolve Around the Earth at the Same Speed as Productive People – Kendra Riggs.
Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups – Dani Kehoe, of Falls Church.
"Places to Go, People to Annoy" – Carl Binswanger, of Lake Ridge.
"If a Man Speaks in the Forest and There Is No Woman Around to Hear Him – Is He Still Wrong?" – George Takacs.
"Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15" – Tom Wheeler.
"A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words, But It Uses Up a Thousand Times the Memory" – Tom Wheeler again.
"Hey, I Already Went to Hell, and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" – Phil Frankenfeld, of Northwest Washington.
"They Call Me a Feminist Every Time I Say Something That Distinguishes Me From a Doormat" – an e-mailer called Rosalynjr.
"I'm a Natural Blonde – Speak Slowly" – Ted Hudson, of Centreville.
"Of Course I Don't Look Busy – I Did It Right the First Time" – Robert Cooke, of Vienna.
"Damn Straight I'm a College Grad – Paper or Plastic?" – Mike Goldberg, of Greenbelt.
"Army: Be All That You're Told to Be" – Martin Mould, of Springfield.
"I Used to Be Schizophrenic, But Now We're Just Fine" – Barbara VanLuven.
"Some Days It Just Doesn't Pay to Chew Through the Leather Restraint Straps" – Gloriann E. Loikith.
"When Did My Wild Oats Turn Into Shredded Wheat?" – Joanne Jablonski, of Ocean Pines, Md.
"My Husband and I Divorced Over Religious Differences – He Thought He Was God and I Didn't" – Gerri Marmer.
"Sky Diving – Speed Limit 120 MPH (Not Strictly Enforced)" – Lyndsey Curtis, of Alexandria.
"Heck Is Where People Go Who Don't Believe in Gosh" – Roger Fortin.
"I'm Pro-Lifejacket and I Boat!" – Lauryne Wright.
(On the front) "I Cannot be Bought" – (On the back) "Inquire About Leasing" – Gary E. Schlegelmilch, of Woodbridge.
"Those Who Think They Know It All Are an Annoyance To Those of Us Who Do!" – Steve Amato, of Alexandria.
"Guys Have Feelings, Too. But Like, Who Cares?" – an e-mailer named KelBriMK.
"Re-Elect Gore in 2004" – Ramberto Torruella.
"I Can Only Be Nice to One Person Today – Today Is Not Your Day – Tomorrow Doesn't Look Good, Either" – Ed Roman, of Woodbridge.
"All I Ask Is a Chance to Prove That Money Can't Make Me Happy" – Carol Heymann.
"If You Can't Beat Them, Arrange to Have Them Beaten" – Shawn McCausland.
"I Went Hunting and All I Caught Was a Cold" – Kelly Wilson, of Arlington.
"If God Had Meant for Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees" – Andrea Irzinski, of Gaithersburg.
"He Who Dies With the Most Toys Wins – But He Still Dies" – Greg Borchert.
"Look Out Behind You – The Lemmings Are Gaining" – an e-mailer called kaschen.
"Welcome to Kentucky – Set Your Watch Back 20 Years" – Bob Lauder.
"Practice Safe Food – Use Condiments" – Len Greenberg, of Sterling.
"Five Out of Four People Don't Understand Fractions" – Dick Smith, of Springfield.
"If You Wish to Be Young Again, Remember Algebra" – Dick Smith again.
"Men and Women Are From Earth – Deal With It" – Dick Smith yet again.
"I'm Not Fat – I'm Just Fluffy" – Marcia Stinewalt, of Harrisonburg, Va.
"Our Lady of Perpetual Mood Swings" – Joan E. Runge, of Beltsville.
"I Chose the Road Less Traveled – Now Where the Heck Am I?" – Vera Rausch, of Rockville.
"I Hope My Ship Comes In Before My Dock Rots" – Kennette Glassford, of Fredericksburg.
"Yes, It's Lonely at the Top – But I Eat a Lot Better Than You" – Anthony Glassford, of Annandale.
"Hugs Are Fully Returnable" – Mindy Crawford, of Cottage City.
(Aboard a pregnant woman) "When You're In Love, It Shows" – Daniel DeLiberto, of Ocean City, N.J.
"Bless Grandmothers! – They Minimize Our Failures and Magnify Our Successes" – Marge Killmon, of Annandale.
"Next Time You Think You're So Smart, Try Walking on Water" – Mickey Gordon, of Fort Defiance, Va.
"A Woman Needs Four Animals in Her Life – A Mink on Her
Back, a Jaguar in Her Garage, a Tiger in Her Bed and a Jackass to Pay
for It All" – Violet Knight, of Annandale.
"And You're Telling Me This Because..." – Sunni Bond Winkler.
"I'm in Shape – Round Is a Shape" – Skipper Oliver, of Woodbridge.
"Life Is Uncertain – Eat Dessert First" – Lucy Gallimore, of Burke.
"The Weather Is Here – Wish You Were Beautiful!" – Emilio Prencipe, of Bowie.
"Don't Make Me Put My Hand on My Hip" – Matthew Randall, of Annandale.
"Chaos! Panic! Disorder! My Work Here Is Done!" – Glenn Krol, of Annandale.
(Aboard a mother who was squiring two children around) "Touch Nothing, and Don't Ask for Anything" – Dee-Dee Carr.
(Aboard a small boy) "Chip Off the Old Block" – (Aboard the man beside him) "Old Block" – Cheryl Anne Forster, of Myersville, Md.
"I Can Fix Anything – Where's the Duct Tape?" – Fred and Betty Bullock.
"Dinner Is Ready When the Smoke Alarm Goes Off" – Bernice Gunderson, of Jersey City, N.J.
(Thought balloon from a horse that's looking wistfully at a farmer in an adjacent field) "Go Ahead, Make My Hay" – Christy Jo Parnell.
"Rehab Is for Quitters!" – Randi Gray Kristensen, of Takoma Park.
"I'm Only Wearing Black Until They Find Something Darker" – an e- mailer named Mindhacker4now.
"If the Right Side of the Brain Governs the Left Side of
the Body, Then Left-Handed People Are the Only Ones in Their Right
Minds!" – Kenn Holmberg.
"Body by Beer" – Pat Firey, of Oakton.
"My Cat Kneads Me" – Steve Saunders.
"America Is a Wonderful Country – Even a C Student Can Become President" – Murray Spitzer, of Bethesda.
"Dad Knows a Lot, But Grandpa Knows EVERYTHING!" – Ida Beach.
"From the Desk of Toto: Dear Dorothy – Hate Oz, Took the Shoes, Find Your Own Way Home!" – Alice in Alexandria.
"Summer in Nags Head – Some Are Not" – Faith Holcombe.
"Here I Am – Now What Are Your Other Two Wishes?" – Vera Rausch, of Rockville.
"24 Hours in a Day, 24 Beers in a Case – Coincidence?" – Mike Cook, of Bowie, who says he saw it in Texas.
"I Don't Think Much – Therefore, I May Not Be" – spotted in Boston by a reader who asks to remain anonymous.
"When Your Dreams Turn to Dust, Vacuum" – Sharon Lockett.
"I Got This T-Shirt for My Husband – Pretty Good Trade, Huh?" – Mimi Hook, who saw it on the boardwalk at Atlantic City.
"God Made a Few Perfect Heads – All the Rest He Covered With Hair" – Hyman Berg, of Silver Spring.
"I'm from the Nation's Capital – Nobody's Perfect" – Bernard Yaboff, of Bethesda.
"To Err Is Human – To Really Screw Up, You Need a Computer" – Brother Yaboff again.
"The Weaker Sex Is the Stronger Sex Because of the Weakness of the Stronger Sex for the Weaker Sex" – Yaboff again.
"Out of Body – Back in Ten Minutes" – Karen Rezneck.
"Where There's a Will... I Want to Be in It" – Karen Rezneck again.
"Always Remember You're Unique – Just Like Everyone Else" – Karen again.
"Keep Grandma Off the Streets – Take Her to Bingo" – Hazel A. Garland, of Edgewater, Md.
"Can You Imagine a World Without Men? No Crime, and Lots of Happy, Fat Women" – Hazel again.
"In Dog Years, I'm Dead" – Rachel Friend, of Burke.
(Aboard a toddler) "How's My Walking? Call 1-800-GOODKID" – Wallace Parr.
"Remember, You Either Find Time to Exercise or You'll Have to Find Time to Be Sick" – Syd Barr, of Dunkirk, Md.
(Aboard a man walking along a beach in South Florida) "Will Work for Food" – (Aboard the woman walking beside him) "Will Not Work for Anything" – Collins McCall, of Hempstead,
N.Y.
A matched set spotted in the window of a store in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., by Susan Cameron: One T-shirt that said, "Don't Yell at Me!" and a companion that said, "I'm Not Yelling!"
"Don't Worry, It Only Seems Kinky the First Time" – Harry Wendelsdorf, of Baltimore.
"The Quickest Way to Double Your Money Is to Fold It in Half and Put It in Your Pocket" – Michael Mandelbaum, of Bowie.
"Before You Criticize Someone, You Should Walk a Mile in
Their Shoes – That Way, When You Criticize Them, You're a Mile Away and
You Have a New Pair of Shoes" – Mabel Modigliani, of Glen Burnie, Md.
"Experience Is Something You Don't Get Until Just After You Need It" – Bill Wilson, of Northwest Washington.
"I Bent the Rules and the Rules Won" – Gary Turchin.
This shirt's a big seller on the campus of Hood College in Frederick,
according to Steve Bauman, whose wife went there and bought one. On the
front, it says, "A Hood Girl Is a Good Girl." On the back, it says, "The Bad Ones Are Even Better."
(Aboard a mechanic in Bethesda who must have weighed 350 pounds) "Big Happens."
And finally... "I'm a Consultant – You Have to Pay to Talk to Me" – Mike Usdan.
"I'm Dressed and Out of Bed – What More Do You Want?" – Laraine K. Harford and Howie Kallem.
"If a Man Speaks in a Forest Where No Woman Can Hear, Is He Still Wrong?" – Andrea Shettle of Arlington.
"You're Just Jealous Because the Little Voices Are Talking to Me" – a reader named Angee.
"Feed Me Hors d'Ouevres and I Analyze Policy" – Phil Frankenfeld of Northwest Washington.
"Washington D.C. – So Many Monuments, So Little Time" – Phil Frankenfeld again.
"I'm Only Wearing Black Until They Make Something Darker" – several eagle-eyes.
"I Live in My Own World But It's OK – They Know Me Here" – Pat Ellerbee of Springfield.
"Be Nice to Your Children – They Choose Your Nursing Home" – Mark Rudy.
"...And You Say Psycho Like It's a Bad Thing" – Teri McCloskey.
"No Outfit Is Complete Without a Little Cat Fur" – Joan Patchett.
"Chaos, Panic, Disorder... My Work Here Is Done" – Andi Drimmer.
"I Hear Voices – And They Don't Like You" – Tom Roberts of Bowie.
"If Idiots Could Fly, This Place Would Be an Airport" – Kimberly Richer.
"On the Eighth Day, God Created Ohio" – Elaine Steib, who confesses to being a transplanted Buckeye.
"Life's Too Short to Dance With Ugly Women" – W.R. Sommers of Sterling.
"Dinner Is Ready When the Smoke Alarm Goes Off" – Brendan J. O'Byrne.
"My Husband Is a Great Lover – He Knows All My Erroneous Zones" – John O'Byrne of Dublin.
"Never Give the Devil a Ride – He'll Want to Drive" – Marge Killmon.
"Pray to God but Keep On Rowing Toward Shore" – Marge Killmon again.
"Diplomacy Is the Art of Saying 'Nice Doggie' Until You Can Find a Rock" – Jennifer Burrell.
"You Just Gave Me Something to Live for – Revenge!" – Jennifer Burrell again.
"Make It Idiot Proof, and Someone Will Make a Better Idiot" – Jennifer yet again.
"Don't Assume That I Cook" – across a sketch of a woman from the 1950s, with thanks to Marilyn Frankel.
FRONT: "When Henry Ford Saw My Sweetheart Wearing This Shirt, He Said..."
REAR: "Now There's a Model T!" – Len Greenberg.
"Good Girls Are Bad Girls That Never Get Caught" – Jennifer Phillips of Fairfax.
"You're a Naughty Boy – Go to My Room!" – Kevin Swiger, who saw it aboard "a shapely young woman."
ABOARD A WOMAN: "I'm the Mom. No Questions. No Arguments. We'll Just Do Things My Way."
ABOARD THE MAN WALKING BESIDE HER: "Listen to Your Mother" – Annette Dirks.
"Now I Know Why Some Animals Eat Their Young!" – K.J. Humphrey of Riverdale.
"Age and Treachery Will Always Beat Youth and Skill" – Steve Amato of Alexandria.
"I May Be Wrong" – Glen Farmer of San Francisco.
"God Made Only a Few Great Heads – On the Others, He Put Hair" - - Bob Noyer of Winchester, Va.
"I Have Twins – What's Your Excuse?" – Richard Rognile.
"Consciousness – That Annoying Time Between Naps" – Laura Dougherty.
"Foreign Service Officers Do It in More Places" – from an anonymous submitter, who saw it "near the State Department."
"Marriage Has Cured My Fear of Being Alone" – Lewis Lorton.
"Bomb Expert – If You See Me Running, Try to Keep Up!" – Ed Melisky, then about 30 fellow spotters.
"Drill 'Em, Fill 'Em, Bill 'Em" – seen aboard a dental student in Richmond by Joanne Yates.
"I Used Up All My Sick Days, So I Called in Dead" – Anne-Marie Lund Kagy.
"Support OPEC – Drive an SUV" – Paul G. Maiorana.
"I'm Not Shy – I'm Just Examining My Prey" – Dyan Loya of Silver Spring.
"You Non-Conformists Are All Alike" – Dyan Loya again.
"Albert Winestein – Drink a Few Glasses and Become a Genius" – J.G. Kramb, who saw it near Gettysburg, Pa.
"Repent – and Sin Some More" – Roy Iwaki of New York City.
"I Used to Have a Handle on Life, but It Broke" – Joan E. Runge of Columbia.
"Beauty Is in the Eye of the Beer Holder" – Joan Runge again.
"You Can Always Tell a Harvard Man – but You Can't Tell Him Much" – Carol Schwab of Silver Spring.
"Growing Old Is Mandatory – Growing Up Is Optional" – Vera Rausch of Rockville.
"My Job Is Secure – Nobody Wants It" – Skipper Oliver of Woodbridge.
"If All the World's a Stage, I Want Better Lighting" – Skipper Oliver again.
"When God Made Me, He Was Just Showing Off" – Elsie H. Clarke of Silver Spring.
"Doesn't Play Well With Others" – Ann Van Aken.
"Choose Your Sick Days Carefully" – The Monaghan family.
"Summer in Nags Head, Some Are Not" – Faith Holcombe.
ABOARD A BABY: "Party, My Crib, 2 a.m." – an e-mailer named DTynan1.
ABOARD A 3-YEAR-OLD: "My Mom Calls Me No! No! But My Grandma Calls Me Sweetie" – Ann D. Ketter.
ABOARD A VERY LARGE MAN: "Congratulate Me, I Used to Be Anorexic" – Wayne Alberts.
ABOARD MANY FOLKS IN ST. LOUIS, according to Adrian Cronauer: "Schlafley Beer – It's Not Just for Breakfast Any More."
ABOARD A MAN AT THE BEACH WHO WAS BALD: "I'm Too Sexy for My Hair, That's Why It Isn't There" – Todd Goren.
"I Get Enough Exercise Just Pushing My Luck" – Cyndy Hogan of Centreville, who pushed her luck by buying this one for her husband.
"Ran Into My Ex – Put It in Reverse and Hit Him Again!" – an e-mailer who reveals, helpfully, that she is divorced.
"Statistics Means Never Having to Say You're Certain" – Lori Curtis.
"Got Rid of the Kids, the Cat Was Allergic" – an e-mailer named Robin.
"Where Are We Going? Why Am I in This Handbasket?" – Vera Rausch of Rockville.
"I Am Not a Pack Rat – I Am a Collector" – Valerie Montanez of New York City, who admits that she's both.
"I'm So Great I'm Jealous of Myself" – Joan E. Runge of Columbia.
"I've Been on So Many Blind Dates That I Should Get a Free Dog" – Joan Runge again.
"Due to Budget Cuts, the Light at the End of the Tunnel Has Been Cut Off" – Mary-Catherine Calvert of Northwest Washington.
"I Wish the Buck Stopped Here – I Could Use a Few" – Mary-Catherine Calvert again.
"Where There's a Will, I Want to Be in It" – Fernando Rivas of Fairfax.
"Yes, Dear" – Charles Roberson of Oakton, who says he bought one for himself before his wife could do it.
"This Is Not the Life I Ordered" – Becky Smith of Alexandria.
"Clinton/Gore 2004" – Deborah DeBlaine.
"Beer Is Proof That God Loves Us and Wants Us to Be Happy" – Phil Marciola of Elizabeth, N.J.
"I Am the Only Hell That My Mother Ever Raised" – Jesse Howard of Southeast Washington.
"My Wild Oats Have Turned to Oat Bran" – Richard Smith of Springfield.
"Out of My Mind – Will Be Back Shortly" – Richard Smith again.
"How Long a Minute Is Depends on Which Side of the Bathroom Door You're On" – Jenny McCarthy of Northwest Washington.
"If You Can't Speak Softly, Just Use the Stick" – Bill Bertell of Northwest Washington.
"I Married Mr. Right, But I Didn't Know His First Name Was Always" – Ann Murphy of Burke.
"Alimony: A System Whereby Two People Make a Mistake and One of Them Continues to Pay for It" – Paul Jones of Baltimore, who notes that he has no ex-wives.
"Waiting For Mr. Right" – Pam Leary of Falls Church,
who says the shirt gets a lot funnier when you realize that the figure
on the front of it is a skeleton.
"What Part of Eelymosynary Ratiocination Do You Not Understand?" – Day Walters of Northwest Washington.
"Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart" – Marion F. Giaimo of Arlington.
"Shin: A Device for Finding Furniture in the Dark" – Anonymous.
"I'm Not Cynical – Just Experienced" – Anonymous again.
"Today Was a Total Waste of Makeup" – Christa Himmelmann.
"Do You Want to Talk to the Man in Charge, or to the Woman Who Knows What's Going On?" – Christa Himmelmann again.
"Stop Following Me – I'm Not a Shoplifter" – Jennifer Meyer.
"I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian" – Elizabeth Harvey.
"You Have the Right to Remain Silent, So Please Shut Up!" – Roy Dickstein.
"Either Find the Time for Exercise or Find the Time to Be Sick" – Sydney Ann Barr of Dunkirk, Md.
"Unproductive People Revolve Around the Earth at the Same Speed as Productive People" – Kendra Riggs.
"I Know About Stressed – It's Desserts Spelled Backwards" – Reginald B. Greenson.
"Going Downhill Is Uphill Work" – Parker Mills of Charlottesville.
"I'd Kill for a Nobel Peace Prize" – Bronwyn Lance Chester of Norfolk.
"What's the Difference Between In-Laws and Outlaws? Outlaws Are Wanted" – Anonymous voice mailer.
"I Have the Body of a God. Unfortunately the God Is Buddha" – Nora Keating.
"Shut Up and Paddle" – Mary Bailey of Silver Spring, who saw it aboard a camper at Camp UniStar in Cass Lake, Minn.
(Around a picture of dandelions): I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won.
So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me – spotted by Dick Smith, of Springfield.
I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy – Maynard and Nancy Timme, of Ocean City, Md.
God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends – Cheryl Hillebrand, of Leesburg.
If They Don't Have Chocolate in Heaven, I Ain't Going.
At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All... I Just Can't Remember It All – Mary Weeks, of Arlington.
My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips – spotted in Provincetown, Mass., by Rita Shapiro.
I Just Do What the Voices Inside My Head Tell Me to Do.
(Picture of an open Bible on the front of the shirt, this on the back): When All Else Fails, Read the Directions.
(Worn by a pregnant woman): A Man Did This to Me, Oprah – Ben Llewellyn, of Falls Church.
(Spotted at a gay pride parade): My Son Just Came Out of the Closet and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt.
Thirteenth Amendment: Thou Shalt Not Whine – Sarah Sullivan, of Germantown.
(Spotted on Cape Cod by several readers): If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount – Virginia Galvin, of College Park.
Remain.com – submitted by a "family of geeks."
Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog – Marge Killmon.
No, It Doesn't Hurt – aboard a "well-tattooed gentleman" spotted at a club in Northwest Washington by Sean Sedam, of Olney.
If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off – Dick Smith again, who spotted it aboard a passing motorcyclist.
I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now – Carol Byrd, relayed by Cathy Smith Caviness.
If I Had Known Being a Grandparent Was So Much Fun, I Would Have Done It First! – Dr. Mark A. Spikell, of George Mason University in Fairfax.
(Over the outline of the state of Minnesota): My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor – Bob Greene, of Silver Spring.
I Speak Fluent Patriarchy, but It's Not My Mother Tongue – Sadia Carone.
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping – Jennifer Glatt, of Laguna Niguel, Calif.
What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About? – Catherine Jamieson.
I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian – Elizabeth Harvey, who's a vegetarian.
(On the front): Yale Is Just One Big Party. (On the back): With a $25,000 Cover Charge – Sarah Phillips.
Coffee, Chocolate, Men... Some Things Are Just Better Rich – Steve Aune.
Liberal Arts Major... Will Think for Food – Mike Irwin, of Fairfax.
Growing Old Is Inevitable; Growing Up Is Optional – Dave Yehudah.
Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen – Claire Underwood.
IRS – Be Audit You Can Be – Susan Bohnenblust, of Montgomery Village.
Gravity... It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen – Kennette Glassford, of Fredericksburg, Va.
First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed – Rita T. Minsky, of Potomac, who bought it for her husband for Father's Day.
The Old Pro... Often Wrong... Never in Doubt – Frank D'Aquila, of Falls Church, who says it's worn by a friend who's 84.
In Dog Years, I'm Dead – George Farley, of Front Royal, Va.
And finally, a treasure trove from Bernard Yabroff, of Bethesda:
Love May Be Blind, but Marriage Is a Real Eye-Opener.
If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You.
The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard.
Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade.
It's Hard to Be Nostalgic When You Can't Remember Anything.
Dinner Is Ready When the Smoke Alarm Goes Off.
Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.
I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes.
Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well.
A Day Without Sunshine Is Like Night.
A City Is a Large Community Where People Are Lonesome Together.
First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.
Old Age Comes at a Bad Time.
In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take.
(Aboard a person with a serious beer belly) Objects Under This T-Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear.
I Am a Bomb Technician; If You See Me Running, You Should Keep Up – Amy Glass, of Columbia.
No, I Don't Eat Meat; Yes, I Get Enough Protein; No, My Shoes Aren't Leather; Yes, I Have a Life – Andrea Shettle, who is (as you might suspect) a vegetarian.
For Every Action, There Is an Equal and Opposite Government Program – "A Veteran Washingtonian."
Give a Man a Fish, and He'll Eat for a Day. Teach a Man to Fish, and He'll Sit Around and Drink Beer All Day – Michael Hankamer.
You Know You're Getting Older When Happy Hour Is a Nap! – Susan Ulanowsky, of Purcellville.
Husbands Are Like Pickup Trucks; If They Don't Wanna Work, I Get Rid of 'Em – Tony Glaros, of Laurel.
To Err Is Human; To Forgive Is Not Library Policy – Sheila McGarr, of Alexandria, who got the shirt as a gift when she left her job in the library at Mary Washington College.
Formula for Success: 1) Work Hard; 2) Dress Right; 3) Win the Lottery – Syd Barr, of Dunkirk.
Your Village Called; Their Idiot Is Missing – Colleen Klosterman.
Started Out with Nothing and Still Have Most of It Left – Melanie Webb, of Alexandria.
I Saw That – God – Andrea DeGirolamo.
Life Is Too Short to Smoke Cheap Cigars – Ellen Todres.
Money Isn't Everything, But It Keeps the Kids in Touch – Terry Bruening, of Rockville.
No, I'm Not on Steroids, But Thanks for Asking – Laurel Rupprecht, who saw it aboard a young man at a Montgomery County swim meet.
Recovering Trailer Trash – Edward J. Woodland, of Southeast Washington.
I Plan to Go to Heaven, So Why Do I Find Myself in a Handbasket? – Anonymous.
If Going to Church Makes You a Christian, Does Going to a Garage Make You a Car? – Pierce Bates, of Reston.
Please Don't Tell My Mother I'm a Lobbyist; She Thinks I'm a Piano Player in a $#%#& House – Kris Ardizzone, of Alexandria, who reports that it was a very hot item at a lobbyists' convention last year.
I Don't Suffer From Insanity; I Enjoy Every Minute of It – Bill Walter, of New York City.
Husbands May Come and Go, But Girlfriends Are Forever – Mary Lou Scarbrough, of Haymarket, who wore it during a 1997 ladies-only trip to the beach.
Nice Perfume; Must You Marinate In It? – Jennifer Wurzbacher.
So Many Men, So Little Point – Anonymous.
If All the World's a Stage and All the Men and Women Merely Players, Where Do Audiences Come From?
– Deb Johnson, of Springfield, who reports that it was a smash hit
among parent boosters of the Thomas Jefferson High School Shakespeare
Troupe.
Beer; Helping Ugly People Have Sex Since 1869 – Doug Williams, of Alexandria.
(Aboard an extremely tall person at Ocean City) No; Do You Play Miniature Golf? – Joel L. Cohen, of Silver Spring.
I Hate Golf, I Hate Golf, I Hate Golf, NICE SHOT, I Love Golf... – Stephanie Nilan.
Nobody Knows I'm Elvis – Jennifer Bate, of Silver
Spring, who saw it at the Smithsonian Institution (haven't you always
suspected that Elvis lives there?).
Old Fishermen Never Die; They Just Smell That Way – Marjorie Flannagan, of Gainesville.
I Want to Be a Millionaire (That's My Final Answer) – Jo Bales, of Falls Church.
Keep Your Distance; I Chew Red Man – John Cash, of Annandale.
I'd Rather Be Sad in a Rolls-Royce Than Happy on a Bicycle – Mickey Gordon, of Fort Defiance, Va.
I'm So Broke, If You Rob Me, It'll Be for Practice – Kevin B. Wharton, of Chevy Chase.
Clones Are People Two – Dick Smith.
I'm Not Short; I'm Altitudinally Challenged – Erlinda C. Mangalas, of Clifton.
Since I Gave Up Hope, I Feel Much Better – Ginny Sells, of Severna Park.
If It's a Formal Wedding, I Know Where to Borrow a White Shotgun – Bruce H. Burnside, of Rockville.
Warning: Retiree; Knows It All and Has Plenty of Time to Tell You About It! – Frances R. Sellers, of Arlington.
I Just Got Lost in Thought; It Was Unfamiliar Territory – Joan E. Runge, of Beltsville.
Actually, I Am a Rocket Scientist! – Dolores Peters,
of Silver Spring, who saw it on a bicyclist in the vicinity of NASA's
Goddard Space Flight Center in Greenbelt.
If Stress Burned Calories, I'd Be a Size 5 – Janet Phillips, of Springfield.
Those Who Live by the Sword Get Shot by Those Who Don't – a reader in Northern Virginia.
You Have the Right to Remain Silent; Anything You Say Will Be Misquoted, Then Used Against You – "a fellow sufferer in the newspaper business," who reports that it broke all sales records at a recent scribes convention.
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